Full

I have stacks of books unread. Lists of story ideas unwritten. Room messy. Life unorganized. I want to read those books, write those stories, clean my room, organize my life. But lately, the fullness of being involved in the lives of so many, of loving so many people keeps getting in the way of these things I want to do “for me.” Eventually, I believe I will strike a better balance where I get better at setting time aside for those creative (or life organizing) “me things.” But for now, even as I look at some of the things that have fallen by the wayside in my life right now, I am delighted by the life I get to live, even while missing some of those things. Baby showers, making food at 10 pm for a potluck tomorrow, wedding showers, hanging out with friends and getting half-price sonic shakes, graduation parties–and that’s just this week! Life is full of people I love, and it is good.

In other news, this weather is ridiculous. Yesterday, it was too hot. Today it is too cold. Dear weather: please just be sunny with a high of 75.

25

Today, I am 25. 

I got to spend my birthday in my favorite place, the Little Light House.  Some days, I can’t believe how blessed I am to work at such an amazing place, where miracles happen every day, where I am loved, where I am doing a job God made for me.  I mean, kids like Colton bring me birthday signs–how much better does it get? 

Colton brought a Happy Birthday sign for me for the day!

 

My life is incredibly different than it was a year ago. Last year, I was working in the classroom, doing a job I loved. I was an Associate, the assistant teacher in a classroom with 8 children with special needs and one staff kid. I was exhausted, and I loved it. But God opened the door for me to work in a new department, where I’m in charge of getting the word out about the Little Light House. And now I have even more responsibility: part of my duties now include grantwriting, helping to make sure we have enough money to keep providing services to these amazing students. It’s a little terrifying and overwhelming–but I think this is going to be a great year.

Four months ago, my computer crashed and I lost 2.5 years of my life, in a way. All the pictures of my two years of teaching are gone. I’ve found a few here and there, and I have at least one of every student. I worked on no major creative projects in my life post-college, so I didn’t lose anything creative. But that’s not that great, because that’s just sad. I didn’t write much about my students, my life, because I was exhausted and because I couldn’t figure out how to navigate that line of telling my story and their stories without telling too much. And when I say I couldn’t figure it out, I really mean that the thought just overwhelmed me so I didn’t really try.

So, I don’t know what I’m doing creatively this year, but may God bring back the stories I’ve lost. I always thought I’d have pictures of my students and my time in the classroom to jog my memories, but since they’re gone, I’ll just have to remember. I don’t have any master plan–I’m just going to see what happens and what stories God brings back. Here’s to remembering, and to investing in multiple backups so this never happens to me again. 

Enough about my computer and lost things. This is going to be a good year. I have stories I’m telling, work projects I’m launching, grants I’m writing, and life I’m living. 

And even though I don’t teach any more, I still get to spend time with kids like Calex.  Life is good.

Calex and me on my birthday.

 

What I’m Into: January and February 2013 Edition

I have strange taste in things. Perhaps eclectic might be a better word? In any case, I’ve been wanting to keep better track of what I have liked, what I have enjoyed, what I’m into.  I follow many blogs, and a couple of my favorites do “what I’m into posts” (Leigh Kramer and Sarah Bessey) and I’m trying to follow in their style with the things that I enjoy.

TV

My favorite new and currently airing shows that I watch every week are Bones, Castle, White Collar, and Big Bang Theory. My if-I-have-time shows that I tend to watch in spurts are New Girl (there’s really only so much “quirky” I can take), and Once Upon a Time (loved the first season on netflix, second season isn’t on at a convenient time so I don’t always remember to watch). I’ve also been catching up on 30 Rock and the Office so I can enjoy their final seasons.

My current netflix favorite is the West Wing, which is the worst, meaning it’s the best. I also occasionally enjoy Hart of Dixie, because boy I love the South.

For a couple days in February, I was home sick a couple days, so I went back to my forever favorite Chuck, on DVD. I. Love. That. Show.

Let’s face it, I really like televison shows. I’ve talked about my appreciation for television before, and my thoughts really haven’t changed. It’s just such a great medium to experience when my brain is overwhelmed by all the other information and feelings that stick to me throughout every day.

Books

I read the most when I’m traveling. Over the last two and a half years, I’ve poured so much into my job and other endeavors that the effort of reading as much as I used to was too much.  I’ve been trying to bring my reading habit back, but it was nice to travel for a week in January to get a head start on my goal of reading 50 books in 2013. The best I’ve read in January were Seven, America’s Women, and The Revolution Was Televised, all of which I read in Mexico. Seven was challenging, America’s Women was historical and upsetting, and The Revolution Was Televised was fascinating.  I recommend all three,  but I can’t think of anyone who would be simultaneously interested in Christian sacrificial living, history and women, and televised drama of the 90′s and 00′s besides me.

In February, I traveled again, this time to Florida. Because of reasons, I was not quite on my normal level of vacation reading, but I did finish some excellent books. I sometimes like comic books and I always like Firefly, so I enjoyed the first installment of a Firefly comic called Serenity: Those Left Behind. Next I finished The Name of the Star, which was hilarious, fantastical, and set in London. Does it get much better than that in young adult literature? The just-released sequel The Madness Underneath is sitting at my bedside, begging me to read it, but that hasn’t happened yet.  Lastly, I read Lipstick Jihad: A Memoir of Growing Up Iranian in America and American in Iran. I’m a sucker for memoirs, particularly about women in the Middle East.

I really hoped to read Jen Hatmaker’s Interrupted: An Adventure in Relearning the Essentials of Faith on my trip to Florida, even buying it so that I could conquer it on vacation. Aaaaand I got a couple chapters in, and then accidentally left it on the plane. I hope someone who needed to relearn the essentials of faith picked it up. I think that’s the first thing I’ve ever left on a plane. Just glad it wasn’t the work iPad.

As always, I have a giant stack of books next to my bed that always hope to get read, but rarely do. At the top of that pile right now are Brain on Fire, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life, and Killing Lincoln: The Shocking Assassination that Changed America. We’ll see if those or any others get read anytime soon.

Movies

The last movies I watched in the theater were The Hobbit and Les Miserables in December. I can’t think of any new movies I’ve seen this year–any movies I’ve watched have been repeats, like She’s the Man or Sleepless in Seattle. I am not a movie person as I am a TV person.

Music

With the recent demise of my laptop, I lost all of my music (among other things). I have since been trying to discover new music. Well, new to me music. I often find tunes that I think are awesome, not to discover that everyone has been listening to it for months. I don’t care, I like what I like whether people like it or not. I always cannot always explain what it is I like, I just like it.

My first discoveries/purchases of the year were Imagine Dragons and the Lumineers. These bands were my primary musical entertainment while visiting my sister in Mexico. More recently, though, another me band was recommended to me, Local Natives. When I first learned of them,they had just released a new album, so I had a lot of music to experience. Upon first listen, it sounded so familiar, even though I’m certain I had never intentionally listened to them before. I eventually discovered that one song played in an episode of my beloved show Chuck. Hence, these two albums have been played on repeat a lot since I learned about them.

The Civil Wars have put out a new album of sorts in the form of the soundtrack to a new documentary called Place at the Table. Guys. It’s folk instrumental that sounds like the South. It’s like it was made JUST for my hidden love-the-South-and-all-its-weirdness side. If I knew how to share a Spotify playlist, I would. But since I don’t know and I don’t care enough to find out, just search for it. It’s good. Now I need to see that movie.

I’m going to a Muse concert on Sunday–I had forgotten how much I liked this band. So, in anticipation of this concert, I’m listening to some of their more recent albums that never made it on my radar.

 

Other

Another thing that I love is podcasts. It can be difficult to find a truly good podcast. It has to update consistently, have great content, and more. The best podcast I’ve found lately has been Pop Culture Happy Hour from NPR. It’s four NPR writers, talking about pop culture every week. And not sugary gossipy pop culture, no, NERDY pop culture. Just listening to them talk about all the things happening in music, movies, tv, etc, while using words that make them sound like they swallowed a dictionary makes me feel smarter.  Also, every week they have a segment entitled “What’s Making Me Happy This Week” in which each member shares a pop culture-y thing that is making them happy. Listen, it’s great. It’s a thing that’s made me happy for longer than a week.

          Lakesidegirl

Discipline

When I started 2013, I had ideas of what I thought the year would like like. Then things happened and a lot is not what I thought it would be. My laptop crashed and I still haven’t done anything about it because I don’t want to deal with it. I got a nasty stomach bug on my Mexican vacation and spent two days sleeping off the sickness. Other unexpected things are happening and I don’t really know what to do with them except wait and see what happens next.

As I started this year, I really liked the idea of One Word 365, and even picked a word, “whimsy,” inspired by my reading Bob Goff’s Love Does. Then life happened and whimsy was not even close to how 2013 was going to be defined.  Whimsy as my one word went out the door and it has been replaced by “discipline.”  With the loss of things that were important to me, I decided to take that unpleasant opportunity and change parts of my life, one discipline at a time. They’re simple disciplines, but, a la The Happiness Project, it really is sometimes the simplest of changes that can bring about happiness.

First, I pick my outfit for the next day every night. I kind of hate doing this, but I’m much happier in the morning with everything already decided when my early-morning brain is not interested in thinking or deciding. After two years of only having to decide which color uniform polo to wear, this whole choosing “professional attire” is still difficult, even though I’ve been doing it for seven months. The simple discipline of choosing ahead of time means I can think less at 6:30 AM.

Second, I pack my lunch for the next day every night. I eat better and more healthily when I choose at night instead of in a rush in the morning. Again, the simple discipline of choosing ahead of time means I can think less at 6:30 AM.

Third, I joined a gym and I work out with a coworker and I go to Yoga/BodyFlow classes. Part of my motivation for this discipline is the “Healthier You Challenge” that’s happening at my work. I don’t care about losing weight, I just want to be fit, strong, and healthy. In theory, this regular exercise should help me be healthier. I felt good for the first few weeks of this new discipline for me, but the fact that I’m lying in bed with a cold writing this post would seem to lend less credence to the theory of exercise improving health. Thanks preschoolers!

Fourth, I want to read 50 books this year. Right now, according to my Goodreads Challenge widget, I’m right on track, having read 6 books so far this year. I’ve been trying to read one book a week alongside my other activities in my work health challenge. I have been slightly successful.  Lately, being with other people (going to work events or Bible study or hanging out with friends) has taken over reading time. Also, I like to sleep.

This all brings me to today, Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. My hope for this Lenten season is to keep going with the disciplines I’ve started, as well as being open to adding new disciplines along the way. I’m also not going to Starbucks. I generally only go once a week or so, but it’s a luxury I’ve come to expect and I really need to not expect it anymore. I want it to be more holy than that, but that’s just what it is.  I’m also going to attempt to write more during this season for this blog, but that’s going to depend on what happens in my life these next 40 days.

Let’s see what happens.

Losing

My laptop crashed yesterday. Most of what’s on it is replaceable or redownloadable or unimportant. It’s just stuff. That’s what I’ve been telling myself anyway. Except there are the pictures of my students for the last two years, the only two years I might have teaching, gone. And every other picture I’ve taken in the last two years, gone. And other random things that I keep remembering that I won’t get back.
I’m angry that I wasn’t prepared and didn’t have backups of those pictures. I know better, but I didn’t do it because figuring the best way seemed so difficult. Now that I know how it feels for them to be gone, it would have been worth the hassle.
I feel ridiculous being so upset over some pictures, a laptop. So many worse things have happened and are happening to people I care about. It’s just a computer, it’s just pictures. But it hurts. A lot.
Thank goodness for Facebook, and our generations need to share things online. Thanks to that need, I do have a lot of picture. Two years of my life won’t go undocumented after all.
Normally I’m very good at forcing myself to feel a certain way, to get over sadness, to find the silver lining. But I can’t/don’t want to right now. Sometimes it’s ok to be sad over lost things. I’m thankful that it’s just a computer, it’s just pictures–but I’m still sad I don’t have them.
I went to sleep last night hoping I would wake up to it all being a nightmare, because that’s what discovering my computer blinking a ? at me felt like. It wasn’t a nightmare, it’s just life. In the meantime, in the midst of being sad about losing, I am blessed by amazing parents who come home early from work because I’m sobbing into the phone over a computer and who will let me just be sad. I work at an amazing place filled with ladies who prayed over my computer and hoped for the best for me and who will be there for me even through the best didn’t happen. I have an amazing best friend who went with me to the apple store for moral support, so I wouldn’t cry all over the apple genius. Although we did decide that we want name tags that call us geniuses. And I have as God who is there for me, even when I am sad and lost, even when I feel bad for feeling sad, even when I’m angry at myself and everything.
Also, I’m going to Mexico in a week. It will be warm there, and my sister will be there. Win/win. Even when I’m lost, I am blessed.

New Year

My senior year of college, I found a list of questions for end of year/beginning of year contemplation. This list includes questions like, What would you like to be different about your life in a year? What would you like to have accomplished in that time? Where would you like to travel? What purchases would you like to make? What do you want to stop doing? What are your favorite things?

In lieu of resolutions, I answer these questions as a way of plotting major goals and plans for the year. I like being able to see what I hoped for and if I accomplished it. I underestimate my past self sometimes–for some dreams and goals, I don’t always remember how long I really wanted it.

It’s easy for me to remember, though, some of the things that don’t happen. How long I’ve waited on plans that never seem to come around the way I want.  Some of the things I hope to be different seem to never change. I’ve had the same hope on my list every year since December 2009/January 2010, and it still isn’t real. It may not seem that long, but it feels like an eternity, because my life has changed so much since then and because it’s a wish held longer than that. It’s a stupid wish, because I can’t control it and I hate things I can’t control. But I refuse to take it off, because I’m not ready to believe it will never happen.

Not everything is bleak, of course. When I answered my questions last year, I focused on researching and creating a new position for myself at the Little Light House. At the time, I was really just being ridiculous. I wanted to create a job were I could improve the LLH’s social media presence, launch a LLH blog, and other internetly things. But it was a long-term dream. I had quiet hopes that it might happen in 2012, but I thought any possibility of a job would be 8 hours on a Friday, and probably 2-3 years before being in charge of social media, etc, would be a full-time job. Yet God worked a lot of pieces together to make a full-time happen THIS YEAR for me and for the LLH. I had forgotten that I had dreamed about the possibility of a new position a year ago, making me thankful to my past self for answering those questions. While there are still dreams that feel like they’re just getting buried deeper and deeper, this dream fulfilled is a promise that not all lofty dreams are buried forever.

Last year I wrote to myself:

“I would like to remember that my life changes so much in one year, even when it feels like nothing has changed.” High-five past self. You were right.  May my life look different again this time in 2013.

Comebacks

Like Tom Hanks’s character Joe Fox in You’ve Got Mail, I often think of the perfect comeback for the ridiculous things that some people say to me. Unlike Joe, though, I rarely say those comebacks. Sometimes that’s due to me clinging to every last vestige of self-control I possess. Sometimes it’s because I’m a coward.

Today I have comebacks and my self-control is hanging on by a thread. My threshold for crazy hit its limit. I really want to use my carefully crafted responses. But I shouldn’t.

So I attempt to take my mind off of it by venting vaguely here and by rewatching old episodes of Bones. Season 2 is really one of its best. Aliens in a Spaceship and Judas on a Pole are two of the best episodes of the whole series.

Self-control. Self-control from the Holy Spirit and serialized television. Sometimes that’s what saves the day.